I enjoyed reading this article. It is interesting how differences are made between women and men sexual desire, sexual orientations, relationships and sexual plasticity. The reading says that research show that w0omen are less likely to initiate sex, that they literally have a lower libido, they are less aggressive during sexual relationships but are more likely to change their sexual orientation and are most likely to be the compliant partner. I agree to a certain extent because I believe that women are conditioned to not show sexual interest openly, to b reserved when it comes to sex and to f0ollow along with the men. I also agree that educated women, college graduates as mentioned, are more sexually opened. What is also interesting about the article is that it considered heterosexual relationships, as well as homosexuals which gives a broader and more generalized insight on the subject.
It also brings back the quote that says that need a connection to be intimate as opposed as men. I believe it is not totally true, the fact that women are so conditioned might lead to believe that hey need a reason other than physical attraction to be intimate. However, women, just like men, are capable to do so. Many women have the desire but are too scared to act upon it because society defines it as wrong and not women like. A lot of these assertions about women, collected through researches, are either observed or gathered through interviews. I believe that these findings would be different if women allowed themselves to be free from societal rules, and frankly answer without the fear to act appropriately.
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Classes Cancelled on 3/4 due to Inclement Weather
Snow day! Let’s push everything back to Wednesday 3/6.
On The Female Price Of Male Pleasure
I enjoyed the Loofbourow article and agreed with it overall, but also found myself disagreeing about one thing in particular. Overall, I agree that men and women have vastly different experiences with sex and that women are culturally conditioned to ignore their feelings when they become uncomfortable. I agree, when she says that women have been conditioned to expect pain when it comes to sex, we can see this in our myth about virginity. On the other hand, men have also been culturally conditioned to be strong and not show their vulnerability. Because of this I don’t believe that a twitter poll is an accurate indicator of what constitutes “bad sex,” in a man’s eyes. Personally, I know male friends who have, and I have been in, situations where we’ve been degraded, coerced, abused, and ignored our negative emotions about the sex we were having because of toxic masculinity. On the internet where I have to be the best version of myself, where toxic masculinity is amplified, I personally would never even consider mentioning/admitting that any of those experiences happened. I agree that our society sweeps under the rug women’s sexuality, and in numerous ways attempts to make it conform to a man’s, to the point where most women don’t orgasm during sex. It would be entirely inaccurate in my opinion however, to assume that the pain that comes from our society’s lack of understanding of sex is one sided. Most often, when a system creates disparity and displeasure between groups, all those who are involved with the system suffer because of this in one way or another. Shining a light on women’s suffering is important, but that paragraph makes men’s suffering appear non-existent. I find that to be dangerous.
Healing The Shame That Binds Us: Emotional Responses
In John Bradshaw’s article of “Healing The Shame That Binds Us”, many aspects of human emotional responses are overlooked by society as a whole. Even though these developmental responses to human interaction throughout life is imperative, they are usually swept under the carpet leading to various catastrophic consequences in life for certain individuals. Upon careful examination of Bradshaw’s take on how shame can either make or break certain people, these points came to mind. The vulnerability of human, the importance of society, and the risk of high suicide rate in communities.
We grow up neglecting and sometimes forgetting who we are as human. Being human encompasses the reality that you alone cannot do it all, and therefore must avoid hesitation to relying on others to mentor and correct you in areas where you lack either the knowledge or perfection needed to survive in a world where mutuality is a necessity. As Bradshaw put it, “we are we before we are I”, this draws ones attention to how we are all in this together as opposed to me against the rest. In this case one must be willing to put self in a certain vulnerable state in order to gain much. If this is accepted as a common creed, then shame can be averted from toxic shame to nourishing shame in order to facilitate individual growth. Also, realizing that we are our neighbor’s keeper.
The importance of human society is sometimes misrepresented when it comes to how children can be nurtured from infancy to adulthood. A healthy individual is realized by the type of society he grows in, as the old adage states ” It takes a village to raise a child”. A society that has invested more into infantile developmental programs is able to raise members who are well balanced with emotions when it comes to interactions and are able to redirect negative energy from (toxic shame) into healthy shame as Bradshaw’s article stated “one man is no man”, symbolizing the importance on relying on a healthy society to raise people who can channel toxic shame into healthy shame.
Suicide has become so much prevalent in our modern world without much attention given to how lack of early developmental programs have contributed to the sky rocking levels of suicide deaths around us. When we nurture people who are misinformed about their limitations and imperfections as Bradshaw stated ” to be human is to be limited”, we fails to alert them that it is okay to makes some mistakes and out of those mistakes we are able to develop a learning curve towards a healthy emotion ( healthy shame). Due to dereliction on such principle, many people harbor most emotions which at a certain time in life becomes incontrollable leading to outrageous outburst or even to the level of committing suicide to avoid the influx of emotions within. As Bradshaw stated “a shame-based person is haunted by a sense of absence and emptiness”, and this is common to a person who is suicidal due to their inability to let go of emotions, which later consumes their livelihood since such inability is reserved within an individual as a form of toxic shame, leading to many lives lost at a rate which could have been prevented with care and training.
Sexual Response: Healing the Shame that Binds You (2/20)
In the “The Many Faces of Shame”, it seems like an paper that teaches people to accept who they are and to be happy in life. In addition, it also seems to be a good parenting guidance to teach children how to turn bad emotions into good emotions.
Bradshaw explains that shame can be categorized in two ways: An healthy emotion or a toxic emotions; and that the best way to reach a healthy mindset is having some type of guidance. As Nicholas Kirschman mentioned, people develop shame from early childhood as stated by Erick Erickson. The child needs some type of caretaker, a guardian, parents, etc, someone that the child can build “trust” and an “emotional bond”. And from there, that’s when either shame develops within the child. According to the Erick, “The Child needs good modelling of healthy shame and other emotions…”. The caretakers need to teach them the boundaries of the real world, which leads the children to become more curious and explore. And eventually they will discover some type of shame they will feel anxious about. Whether its shyness, or some type of human flaw, shame varies from everyone. They need to be taught that there will always be type of limitations, everyone is flawed and feels shamed, and simply accept it, and just try their best without having the need to fall into a pit of darkness.
And this brings us to the toxic shame. Generally, this type of shame is a feeling of worthlessness according to the reading. This will eventually lead them to a “false-belief system” and/or “shame-based identity”, making them feel they are not good enough compared to others and believe they a flawed human being. Then the paper mentions how this toxic shame can cause “life-damaging consequences” and/or “distorted thinking”, which of course can lead to some type of depression, addiction problems, or just feel undesired.
As mentioned early, this paper seems to be some type of guidance for readers and/or new parents to make the best of their emotions for themselves and their future children.
Healing the shame that binds you
The contrast between how shame can be toxic and healthy was explained in this reading. Shame is an emotion that a child grows up to take on from their caretaker. As explained, healthy shame is a feeling that makes you aware of how limited human nature is. It is important as it draws a line to what is acceptable or not, but to an extent where the feeling doesn’t cause any harm to the person. When shame is toxic, it drains you and depending on what form it takes in the person it can be deadly I believe. Shame was described in different form in the reading, I would relate shame to depression you feel alienated, when you’re feeling like you’re not good enough or that you’re misfunctioning as human being, when you’re feel abandoned. Reading the passage, every form that toxic shame was represented as, made me think of depressive situation. In this type of situation, you become very self-aware, in the wrong way, some people put on a totally different version of themselves and hide their true selves. Furthermore, toxic shame can take the form of an abuser, or a narcissistic. Nevertheless, the main point is shame is important in people but when it’s toxic it’s hurtful. The ability of contrasting when it’s healthy or toxic is very central and acknowledging the problem is a step to resolve the issue. Like it is said in the reading “being aware of it, naming it is gaining power over it.
Intimacy and Emotions based on Hetero, Lesbian and Gay Couples
I agree with what these reading are trying to portray based on the relationships and nuances that comprise of the gender stigmas associated with emotions. I believe that within our societal norms, with see that women are expected to be the more sensitive and emotional facet, while men are the robots or militants that lack an amygdala(limbic system of the brain, which is involved with emotions and other reactions to stimuli).
In the hetero-normative relationship the study suggest that women had an issue with getting emotions out of their significant male other, while the men felt that they didn’t more or less know how to respond to their wives emotional outreach. The women felt that there should not be a lack of boundaries when it comes to their relationship. The article states, “Research has also emphasized that women are more likely than men in heterosexual rela-tionships to view the absence of boundaries (i.e.,autonomy and separation of partners that pre-clude the sharing of personal thoughts, feelings,and emotions with each other) between partners as central to intimacy”( Journal of Marriage an Family, pg 2). This simply means that women rather a relationship where boundaries are less deemed as important, and being able to be transparent with ones lover should must more valued than having boundaries; where it pertains to emotion and intimacy. On the flip side men found that boundaries should pertain to relationship and should be presence for a healthy relationship to “successful”.
Lesbian relationship were quite opposite. These women in a general out- look felt that their should be no boundaries at all. Their was an example within the article relating to one lesbian couple that said, ” we tell each other everything”, based on that being said lesbian couples had little concern with boundaries and emotional responses, because sharing was just organically apart of dichotomy. Which begs the question do lesbians have the ideal relationship in comparison to both heterosexual couples and gay couples?
Gay couples leaned more towards the idea of the males in the heterosexual relationship; which there were counter examples stating male agreed with sharing. With this being stated about gay men it almost fit into the societal views that men lack emotional response while women are very much more advance on that front. The counter argument for the gay men was that they felt that there should be a sense of emotional sharing but with boundaries along side the emotion, knowing when is the right time and when is not.
I thought this article was fair in giving this analysis of the different genders and how they viewed emotional and intimacy. What was most interesting in the intimacy part of the study was that for lesbian couples intimacy was very important based on being able to distinguish a friend from a lover. Whereas in the gay and heterosexual relationships emotion and intimacy was veered as two different components. Honestly i feel that men are just as empathetic as women or even more than women in certain instances, but choose to be caught up with the hold that society holds for the expectation that men should not be as up front about their emotions as women.
The Many Faces of Shame
The Many Faces of Shame depicts how shame can be both a beneficial and a toxic emotion. Like any emotion if directed correctly it can guide us towards a healthy life. The analogy of the man and the horse starting out on a journey and go in any direction is a good depiction on how our lives need to have at least a guide or a means to an end. The emotion of shame grounds us in reality and checks our human ego that we are indeed not gods but mortal beings with physical bodies. According to Erik Erickson humans develop shame at an early age. The child needs a person to teach them the boundaries in society for them to learn. This is very important in the 2nd stage of development of Erikson. At the age of two, children become little explorers to the world. The children taste and touch objects to find out what they are. Which also leads children this age to be very harmful to themselves. At this age it is important to set the “shame boundaries” so to speak. Shame can manifest itself in many forms such as shyness, communicating, creativity, and the negative toxic shame. Shyness is a defensive mechanism that we can form when faced with unfamiliar settings. Not wanting to make a fool of one’s self by awkward communication or embarrassing communication people will stay limited to what they say. This stems back to Erikson’s 1st stage of development where one must have trust in someone before that lapse in communication can develop. Shame also can form the development of introspection that can manifest itself into a creative platform. As stated before not wanting to make a fool of oneself can limit us on creative means. Thinking that there is a right and wrong when it comes to art is very limited, as it is an expression of our inner selves. During recent years art has been pushed the boundaries in terms of the norms that had been previously seen. Finally, toxic shame forms into neurosis by making ourselves believe we are at fault or the world is. Trying to put blame and responsibility on ourselves or the world is a double edged sword. We are human after all and why it is easy to blame oneself that can form can change into victimhood rather quickly. On the flip side is can also lead to a sense of worthlessness. Another form of toxic shame is repression of certain emotions because the ones close to you never showed those specific emotions all too well. These repressed emotions will make you feel shame when you feel them which is toxic because as a human it is important to have the full range of emotion at your disposal. Once toxic shame engrains itself into us it is not easy to remove from our lives. The emotion of shame be made worse by our internal monologue, just thinking of shameful things when none have occurred can destroy our psyche. Knowing you are human and have the emotion of shame is important, but avoiding the pitfall that is toxic shame can be difficult. We as individuals hold the key to our own emotions but sometimes we lose them and it is important to regain control over them for a better life.
Thoughts on Men’s Sexuality
When reading the Secret Logic of Men’s Sexuality, I can admit I could not fully relate to the author when it came to being enclosed in an awkward sexual bubble due to my upbringing. In fact, I was just the opposite. However, when it came down to understanding how my significant other behaved and what they wanted (even today) it was a little fuzzy. I was always told that most men preferred a very sexually educated woman in the bedroom who could pull out all the tricks and perform in a way that earned her a gold star or his heart even. However, once I acquainted myself with my current boyfriend, who has “been there and had that”, there wasn’t much else I could give him in that area that he hadn’t already experience before. And therefore, the fantasy was gone. I stressed about our “firsts” a lot and was shocked when he told me I was the best he ever had! But what about the girl who could do ****?, I asked him.
You see, in my head, those things were what mattered. What man wanted “normal” sex? Even though I was promiscuous in my earlier days I was no pro that other men were used to. I just knew the basics. Reading about mens’ sexuality and talks of psychological fantasies being solving psychic problems, I’m finally understanding that maybe some men don’t have to enact their fantasies because they are possibly more secure when it comes to their sex life. Of course mine has fantasies but unlike other men I’ve spoken to about sex, he’s never pushed me into his ideals. In fact he doesn’t talk much about the concept at all. The part about men also wanting to be just as emotionally intimate is also a brow-raiser for me as I also was taught food and sex equaled a man’s happiness. When it comes to the bedroom, I was possibly wrong about my S.O. He has fantasies. That I am positive of. But are they really at the surface ? Is what I think is important in the bedroom actually that serious ? I had a friend once tell me that I was not sexual comfortable with myself because I also did not want to perform a certain way in the bedroom. I totally disagreed! I’m now seeing that just because I didn’t want to be that pole dancing manic type of girl who occasionally webcammed her fiascos, that didn’t mean I not sexually secure. The fact that I knew I was okay with not doing all of that extra stuff meant I AM secure. So, wow. Maybe my boyfriend is just that; sexually secure. It doesn’t make me less of a woman because I can’t do **** and ### and it doesn’t make him less of a man If he doesn’t mind that I can’t.
Introduction
| Hello. I finally decided to keep this class. So sorry for this late response! To start, I am a sophomore here at Hunter College and will probably finish with an economic degree. Honestly, The main reason I am taking this class is because it fulfills one of my P/D requirements and this is the only class that fits into my schedule, and make me a full-time student. And learning about human sexuality does sound very interesting. Still trying to get use to this website and playing around with it. Okay, so that’s a little about me. Thank you, and nice to meet you guys. |
